My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
