I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
