he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
