I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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