it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
