If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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