I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
