So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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