I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
