On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
