Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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