this boner is exhausting
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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