Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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