my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
