just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
