I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
