Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
