I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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