so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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