I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I party with great urgency now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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