I wish I could teleport
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
