Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
