I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
