Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
