My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
