It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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