Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
