I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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