U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
