I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
