A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
