my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I didn't notice because vodka
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize