I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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