The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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