the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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