I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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