You just made me feel so damn special
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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