IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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