I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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