I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize