you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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