I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
