you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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