Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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