I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
