So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
