so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
