There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
