You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
