I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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