When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
