someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
