please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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