When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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