Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
