I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
