Say something about gay babies.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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