look no pants
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize