Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
