I cannot find my penis.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
