make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
