True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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