if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
